310: Expectations - The Unspoken Weight
Reflections for an Unburdened Life
"The stock has to go up today. I did my research. It just has to."
"He should have called. A real friend would know I needed them."
"Why aren't they listening? They should see I have the best idea for the team."
This is the voice of expectation, an inner monologue that runs on a loop of "shoulds" and "have tos." It’s a script we write for other people and for life itself. And when reality inevitably ad-libs, our inner peace is the first casualty. We are left feeling angry, let down, and resentful.
But what if the problem isn’t reality? What if the problem is the script itself? Let’s do an honest analysis for anyone who has ever been troubled by the unsaid.
The allure of the unspoken expectation is understandable. We yearn for a connection so deep that our needs are anticipated, our desires met without a single word. When this happens, it can feel like the ultimate validation—a testament to being truly known and cherished. This can foster a sense of security and intimacy in a relationship.
However, the reality is that unvoiced expectations are often a gamble with steep odds. Relying on them can create a minefield of potential conflict and emotional distress. The term "covert contracts" aptly describes these hidden agreements we make with others, where we expect a certain return for our actions or feelings, all without their knowledge or consent. When the other person inevitably "breaches" this secret contract, we feel betrayed, while they are left confused and unfairly judged.
The Psychology Behind Our Expectations
Our tendency to form expectations is deeply rooted in our psychology. A confluence of our past experiences, personal beliefs, and societal norms shapes these mental scripts.
One of the most well-known concepts is the Pygmalion effect, or the self-fulfilling prophecy. Research has shown that higher expectations placed upon individuals can actually lead to improved performance. Think of a teacher who believes in a student's potential, thereby fostering that student's success. This demonstrates the powerful, and sometimes positive, influence of our expectations on others.
However, the shadow side of this is the danger of unrealistic expectations. Our inherent optimism bias can lead us to overestimate the likelihood of positive outcomes and the degree to which others will align with our desires. In an age of curated social media feeds, the constant social comparison further fuels unrealistic expectations about what our lives and relationships "should" look like. When reality inevitably falls short of these lofty ideals, the psychological fallout can be significant, leading to disappointment, anxiety, and even depression.
The Harm of the Unsaid: A Breeding Ground for Damage
The harm caused by unspoken expectations is not merely theoretical; it is a tangible force that can corrode the foundations of our most valued relationships. When we fail to communicate our needs, we set others up for failure and ourselves up for heartbreak.
This silence can be a form of self-protection, an attempt to avoid the vulnerability of asking for what we want. Yet, in doing so, we inadvertently build walls instead of bridges. The persistent cycle of unvoiced hope followed by inevitable disappointment can lead to a state of chronic resentment, poisoning the well of affection and goodwill. In professional settings, it can stifle collaboration and lead to a toxic work environment where assumptions and misunderstandings thrive.
Reflections for a Clearer Path Forward
Ultimately, the trouble with the unsaid is that it leaves too much room for assumptions and pain.
In the Bhagavad Gita’s there is Counsel on Expectations. A dialogue between the warrior-prince Arjuna and his divine charioteer Lord Krishna unfolds on a battlefield. Arjuna is paralyzed by the expectation of the pain and loss the coming war will bring.
"कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन | मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते सङ्गोऽस्त्वकर्मणि ||"
"Karmanyevadhikaras te Ma Phaleshu Kadachana | Ma Karmaphalaheturbhurma Te Sango’stwakarmani ||"
— Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 47
Translation: “You have a right to perform your prescribed duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions. Never consider yourself to be the cause of the results of your activities, and never be attached to not doing your duty.”
This single verse is a revolutionary prescription for mental peace. It teaches that the expectation of a specific outcome is the primary source of suffering. When we fixate on the reward—whether it's praise, love, success, or gratitude—we become slaves to that outcome. If we get it, we crave more. If we don't, we are filled with anger and sorrow. It reveals the secret to an unburdened heart—one that finds its joy not in the fleeting fruits of action, but in the purposeful and dedicated action itself. It is a path away from the turmoil of expectation and toward the profound peace of inner freedom.
In practical terms, frame your needs as clear, honest requests, not as ultimatums. Share your feelings vulnerably, but release the other person from the burden of being the sole provider of your happiness. It is the only way to protect your inner peace from the chaotic and uncontrollable world of results. The next time you hear that inner voice of "should" and "have to," gently remind it of its true role: to act with purpose, and then, to let go. This is the path to freedom.